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    Aug 2009
    Mumbai. INDIA

    Talking Computer & Technology (Jokes)

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    Error Messages
    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
    When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
    He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

    Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
    Answer: Princess Diana's death.
    Question: How come?
    Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
    That, my friends, is Globalization!!

    Super Computer
    The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
    "This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
    At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
    "Where is my father?" he asked.
    There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
    On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
    Clever Guest laughed.
    "Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!
    It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
    Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"
    Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

    Mass Mail
    The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man.'
    The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
    It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
    The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
    Dear Sir,
    I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

    A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the street, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry he decides to make a sign, and hastily scrawls the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard.
    Hardly anyone pays him and his new sign any mind. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies.
    Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and to the word "Beg," he adds ".com."
    From around the corner, two venture capitalists appear, tripping over themselves to be the first to hand him a quarter of a million dollars.
    Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better. Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg."
    Immediately, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy him out.

    Ad Space!

    Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages
    Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
    "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "Illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director.
    The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

    Troubling end!

    One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.
    He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
    The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
    He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
    The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

    Technically correct!!!

    A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
    The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
    The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.
    The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
    Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."
    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.
    After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position.
    The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"

    Extremely efficient!
    Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
    Turning to the other two engineers, he said, `At Wipro, we are trained to be extremely thorough.`
    The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
    He turned and said, `At TCS, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.`
    The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, `At INFY we don`t pee on our hands.`

    Technical fault
    A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate.
    The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
    They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
    Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.
    They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.
    The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

    Pilot`s eyesight!
    An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand.
    One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he`d been suckered all these years. Then the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
    "Well," said the pilot, "it`s really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
    "I can understand that," replied the doctor. "But what about the take- off?"
    "Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
    "But once you`re aloft?"
    "Oh, everything`s fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the auto-pilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
    "But I still don`t see how you land!"
    "Oh, that`s the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport`s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, `AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!`, then I will pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

    Cannibals in an IT company

    Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You`re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don`t trouble the other employees.
    The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
    A month later the boss returns and says: "You`re all working very hard, and I`m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
    The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
    After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
    A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we`ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

    Computerized plane!

    The world`s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.
    The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
    "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned.
    "Welcome to the debut of the world`s first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

    Actual radio conversation!
    This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
    At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he`d done it.
    The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. `Congratulations,` the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. `You did superbly under cross-examination.`
    `Thanks,` he said, `but he sure had me worried.`
    `How`s that?` the lawyer asked.
    `I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!`

    10 Commandments Of E-Mail
    Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
    Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needs.
    Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sends it.
    Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
    Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
    Thou shalt not curse, flame, Spam or USE ALL CAPS.
    Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
    Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
    Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
    When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
    And, Here`s the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
    That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

    Software ADs on Doordarshan!

    "The man , The Machine, The Software - PeopleSoft VII"
    Boy - "I am a PB boy"
    Girl - "I am a PB gal"
    "Badte bacho ke liye complete software - Powerbuilder"
    "Eat bugs, Sleep bugs.....Do only debugs"
    Internet Programmer - "I got the ASP power , now u go get it!!!"
    "Microsoft office - Nothing official about it !!!"
    " Software ki raksha karta hein Norton Anti virus.... Software hai jaha, Norton Antivirus hein vaha..."
    Project Manager - I want the code today....
    Programmer - 2 minutes
    "Programmer ka kaam kare asaan, Duniya bhar me hai iski shaan...VB....VB.....VB"
    Progect Manager - "Power objects is the secret of my programs"
    Programmers - "Our programs"
    Husband - Thak gaya hoon mein
    Wife gives him instant coffee and says
    To create instant miracle....Use Oracle !

    Tech Support!!
    Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:
    A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
    The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
    Tech Support: "OK Bob, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: "I don`t have a `P`."
    Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "What do you mean?"
    Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "I`m not going to do that!"
    Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
    I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
    Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
    Customer: "So that`ll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
    Tech Support: "Yeah."
    Customer: "And that`s the latest version of the Internet, right?"
    Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

    Computer communication lingo! !
    What does a baby computer call his father?
    What is a computer`s first sign of old age?
    Loss of memory.
    What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
    It slipped a disk.
    Why was there a bug in the computer?
    It was looking for a byte to eat.
    What is a computer virus?
    A terminal illness.
    To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
    Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
    The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

    Steam engine !
    This story is set during the early part of this century, when steam trains were still commonplace.
    Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They`d never been on a train before, and were rather nervous. They decided to take some oranges on the train with them, as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey.
    The men bought their tickets and got on the train. They bought the cheapest tickets, which were for the third class carriage. Third class had bare wooden seats, and no lights. In spite of this, the two men began to quite enjoy the journey.
    After half an hour or so, the two men decided to have an orange each. Just as the first man began to eat, the train entered a tunnel.
    "Have you eaten your orange yet?" asked the first man.
    "No," said the second man.
    "Well don`t touch it!" said the first man. "I took one bite and went blind!"

    IT Conversation :

    Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."
    Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?
    Husband: Bad command or filename.
    Wife???: But I told you in the morning!
    Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
    Wife???: What about my new TV?
    Husband: Variable not found ...
    Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
    Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
    Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
    Husband: Too many parameters...
    Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
    Husband: Data type mismatch.
    Wife???: You are useless.
    Husband: It`s by Default.
    Wife???: What about your Salary?
    Husband: File in use ... Try later.
    Wife???: What is my value in the family.
    Husband: Unknown Virus
    MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro.

    Computer lingo meaning for a farmer!
    LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
    LOG OFF: Don`t add wood
    MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove
    MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning
    FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood
    RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work
    DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter
    PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season
    ENTER: Come on in
    WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal
    SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season
    CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games
    MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone
    MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July
    DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife
    LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit
    KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them
    SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?
    MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard
    MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof
    PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock
    RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it.

    What computer acronyms really stand for:

    ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
    APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    WWW - World Wide Wait
    DOS - Defunct Operating System
    IBM - I Blame Microsoft
    MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
    AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
    MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

    NASA`a Chickens:
    Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
    British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer`s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
    NASA responded with a one-line memo:
    "Thaw the chickens".

    General Motors vs. Microsoft...
    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
    In response to Mr. Gates` comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
    1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
    3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
    4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
    6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
    7. New seats would force everyone to have the samesize bottom.
    8. The airbag system would ask ("Are you sure?" before going off).
    9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
    10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary),even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car`s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
    11. Every time GM introduced a new model car,buyers would have to learn driving all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
    12. You`d press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

    Kindly propose !
    Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
    Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
    Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don`t you have something to ask me?"
    Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

    Top 10 Signs that You`ve Overdosed on The World Wide Web

    Your opening line is: "So, what`s your homepage address?"
    You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
    You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
    You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
    Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
    You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
    You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn`t Do Anything" again and again and again.
    Your dog has his own webpage.
    So does your hamster.
    When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

    You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

    When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
    Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
    You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
    You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
    You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
    Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
    In order to watch CNN you move to - Breaking News, U.S., World, Weather, Entertainment & Video News
    On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
    You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
    You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
    You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
    You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
    You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
    Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
    You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

    Real Life & Commands

    5 minutes ago you were travelling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are travelling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance. You wish there was UNDO in life!
    You are already late, and your key is missing. You wish there was FIND TOOL in life!
    You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business. You wish there was REBUILD ALL in life!
    The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end. You wish there was ZOOM & VIEW FULL SCREEN in life! IF NOT FOR "Replace"!
    One day you realize that you are turning bald. You wish there was CUT & PASTE in life!
    After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch. You wish there was an EVALUATION PERIOD or at least a sample down load or a DEMO version !

    True Software Pro...

    Husband is a Software Professional!!
    Husband : Good evening dear, I am now logged in.
    Wife : Have you brought the ring?
    Husband : Bad command or File name.
    Wife : But I told in the mornin.......
    Husband : Erroneous Syntax, Abort?
    Wife : What about your salary?
    Husband : File in use.
    Wife : What about my new saree?
    Husband : Variable not found.
    Wife : At least give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping.
    Husband : Sharing Violation, Access Denied.
    Wife : Do you love me or do you only like computers or are you just being funny?
    Husband : Too many parameters.
    Wife : It was a great mistake that I married a stupid guy like you.
    Husband : Data type mismatch.
    Wife : You are a useless nut.
    Husband : It is by default.
    Wife : By the way who was in the car this morning ?
    Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.

    Acronymns...the real meanings

    PCMCIA - People Can`t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
    SCSI - System Can`t See It
    DOS - Defective Operating System
    BASIC - Bill`s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
    IBM - I Blame Microsoft
    DEC - Do Expect Cuts
    CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
    WWW - World Wide Wait
    MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
    COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
    AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
    LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
    MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
    RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code"

    Laloo Prasad & Bill Gates
    The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
    Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
    Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
    Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
    Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
    Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
    Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
    Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
    Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
    Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
    Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
    Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
    Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
    Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
    Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
    Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
    Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
    Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
    Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
    Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."

    Project Manager!

    A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I`ll have a C monkey please."
    The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That`ll be $5000."
    The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. The cost of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
    The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C; very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
    The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
    "That one`s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
    "Oh, that one s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
    The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
    He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"
    The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven`t actually seen it do anything, but it says it`s a Project Manager."

    Computer engineer!
    A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering.
    The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor."
    The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator."
    The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let`s stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!"

    Hell for Gates!
    Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....
    "Well, Bill, I`m really confused on this call. I m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows 95. I`m going to do something I ve never done before. In your case, I m going to let you decide where you want to go."
    "Well, what s the difference between the two?" Bill asks.
    God says, "I m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
    "Fine, but where should I go first?"
    "I ll leave that up to you."
    "Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."
    So Bill goes to Hell. It s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased.
    "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
    "Fine," says God, and off they go.
    Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It s nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides.
    "Hmm. I think I d prefer Hell," he tells God.
    "Fine," replies God. "As you desire."
    So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.
    "How s everything going?" he asks Bill.
    Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
    "Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."

    Five reasons computers must be female...
    5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
    3.The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    2.The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I m mad at you, then I m certainly not going to tell you".
    1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    Copy Cats?
    Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department Manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
    The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we`ve decided to give the job to the other applicant."
    "And why would you be doing that ? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
    "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
    "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
    "Simple, "said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, `I don`t know` and You put down, `Neither do I.` "

    Itemized billing!
    There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
    Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
    The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is!".
    The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly, again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
    The engineer responded briefly:
    One chalk mark $1
    Knowing where to put it $49,999.
    It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

    Plez Dont Forget click Thanks
    Plez Admin if anything wrong in this threed plez currct it. Thanks u

  2. #2
    I am Brown so ARe you DOwN?
    Join Date
    Mar 2008


    thankks yahoo lol
    sorry dude .... Hash

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2008




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