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Thread: A Bet Made At The Local Bar
03-12-2013, 08:58 PM #1
A Bet Made At The Local BarA man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.”
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn’t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, “Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?”
The man answers, “Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.”
Submitted by Rohit.
03-12-2013, 08:58 PM #2
Very Fast DrinkerA man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
Submitted by Rohit.
03-13-2013, 03:04 PM #3
John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 a.m. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:00 a.m., John called his neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
03-13-2013, 03:05 PM #4
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.
He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"
The bikie replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
03-13-2013, 03:06 PM #5
A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for the treatment he has had.
The nun asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
The patient replied in a rapsy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
The patient replied, "No money in the bank."
Somewhat impatient the nun asked, "Do you have a relative who will be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment?"
The patient replied, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! They are married to God."
The patient retorted, "Then send the bill to my brother in law."
03-13-2013, 03:06 PM #6
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
03-14-2013, 04:10 PM #7
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn’t considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”
The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, man,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”