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  1. #1

    Default Bulimic bachelor party

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    How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
    When the cake jumps out of the girl!




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  2. #2

    Default Elderly marriage and medical past

    Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.

    He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.

    She told the doctor that she didn't care.

    The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.

    "I know!" he said. "I peeked."




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  3. #3

    Default National pastime

    Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!




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  4. #4

    Default English patient

    An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

    The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

    YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!




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  5. #5

    Default The patient

    A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right back."
    When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" Then the man said, "I hiccupped."




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  6. #6

    Default Mental patients at a baseball game

    A hospital psychologist decided to take his mental patients to a baseball game. He coached his patients with simple cues to avoid unwanted anxiety and social awkwardness.

    When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

    As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up, nuts!" The inmates stood up.

    After the anthem, he yelled, "Down, nuts!" They all sat.

    After a home run, he yelled, "Cheer, nuts!" They all broke into applause.

    Since everything was going smoothly, he left his assistant in charge while he ran to the restroom.

    When he returned, there was a riot in progress. "What happened?" he asked his assistant.

    "Everything was fine until some guy showed up selling peanuts!"




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  7. #7

    Default God helps me pee

    An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.
    "It's fine," says the old man. "I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me."
    The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.
    "Oh, my God!" says the daughter. "He's been using the fridge again!"




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  8. #8

    Default Old people and nastiness

    A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
    "I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.
    "And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."




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  9. #9

    Default New male performance drugs

    With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:

    --PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

    --COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

    --BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.

    --ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.

    --NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

    --FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.

    --FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

    --LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.




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  10. #10

    Default Pet peeves

    There were three dogs at a vet's office. The first dog asked the second one why he was there.
    He replied by saying, My owner has a really nice car and one day when he was taking me for a ride I just couldn't help myself I pissed all over the seats. He got really mad so he brought me here to be put to sleep.
    Well then the first dog said, That is kinda what happened to me but a little different. Well you see my owner was kinda late coming home from work and I to couldn't help myself I crapped all over the new rug. So he to brought me here to put me to sleep.
    Then the two dogs asked the third one why he was there.
    The third dog said, "Well you see my owner likes to clean the house in the nude and one day when she was bending down to clean under the couch well I to couldn't help myself; I jumped on her back and had the ride of my life!"
    The first and second dog said, "Well let me guess she brought you here to have you put to sleep, right?"
    The dog replied, "Nope she brought me here to get my toe nails clipped."




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  11. #11

    Default At the pharmacy

    Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
    Pharmacist: Yes.
    Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
    Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.




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