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  1. #1
    I am Brown so ARe you DOwN?
    Join Date
    Mar 2008

    Default Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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    * A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

    * You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together!"

    * I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

    * I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
    * I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

    * My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

    * My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
    * I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.

    * My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'
    * When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

    * This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like, Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."

    * I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

    * I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

    * I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

    * I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

    * This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
    * One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "Hey How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!
    * "If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat
    * I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist..
    * I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
    * I drank some boiling water 'cause I wanted to whistle.

    * I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, "Hey, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, "Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a mintue ago. And you were good."
    sorry dude .... Hash

  2. #2
    dR Angels
    Join Date
    Apr 2009


    Thanks !!!
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