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Thread: Good jks

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    This guy who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.
    The friend says, "I know a midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I'm sending him over to see you."
    The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
    "Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"
    So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears. " Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat."
    With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that.... I would like to thee the horth run."





    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber"





    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.





    Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

    So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.



    Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

    The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

    The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

    The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"?

    She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!





    Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

    The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

    She says "I'll take the red one."

    The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."





    An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding


    The paramedics soon arrive on site.

    Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

    Girl: "OK"

    Medic: "What's your name?"

    Girl: "Sharon."

    Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

    Sharon: "Yes."

    Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

    Sharon: "Bleedin' Romford, mate."





    A mother and her young son are having a bath together one night, when the son points in between his mum's legs and asks, "Mummy, what's that?" His mum replies, "Oh... that's where, errrr, God hit me with an axe."

    Her son replies, "That was a good shot Mummy... right in the twat!!!!"





    A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was it?" asks his wife.

    "Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

    "Did you help him? she asks.

    "No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"

    "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

    The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"

    "Yes", comes the answer.

    "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband

    "Over here on the swing" the man replies.





    Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.

    All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate.

    He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls.

    His friend shook his head and said, "You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"





    A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

    "Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

    "I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

    The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

    The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

    "What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

    "I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"





    A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans ***** and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

    Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the ***** smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

    Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

    Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

    The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big ****."





    There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

    He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

    A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

    The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

    The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

    His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

    The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.

    When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

    His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the ****ing potatoes!"





    In a train carriage, there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde lady and a big fat wimmin.
    As the train was passing through a tunnel, the unmistakeable sound of a hard SLAP was heard.

    When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a huge red mark on his cheek.

    The blonde thought "that French bugger wanted to touch me and, by mistake, put his hand on the thigh of the fat woman, who slapped his face"

    The fat woman thought " That dirty old Frenchman laid his hand on the Blonde and she smacked him"

    The Frenchman thought " That ****in' Englishman put his hand on that Blonde, and, by mistake, she slapped ME!"

    The Englishman thought "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again!"





    2 young boys are in their room... "You know what?" says the first boy, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The other nods his head in approval "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok!" they agree with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the first boy what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looks at the remaining boy and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be ****in' Coco Pops."





    A school teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"





    Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
    Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch, drink beer and fart!





    A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment,
    and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
    After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile," So...you finish?"
    She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."
    Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.
    This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"
    And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
    Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
    The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
    Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Danish."





    There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

    The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

    The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

    The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

    She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."






    THE BACON TREE ~ read in a dodgy Mexican accent please, senőr.



    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death
    They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
    "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
    So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
    double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
    "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".
    "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
    And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,
    true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
    "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
    "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
    "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
    .........

    Ees.....

    Ees..........

    Ees a ....

    Ees, a "Ham Bush"





    Mujibar was trying to get into the UK legally through Immigration.

    The officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter this Country.
    Mujibar said, "I am ready."
    The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green."
    Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister officer, I am ready."
    The officer said, "Go ahead."
    Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green ~~ green, green and I pink it up,
    and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a BT help desk.





    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
    formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
    through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the
    ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
    attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

    "They're mating," her father replied.

    "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

    "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

    "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

    As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
    replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

    The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, Then took
    her foot and stomped them flat.

    "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden" she said!!





    LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT

    MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT

    AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.



    AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

    I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.



    MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE

    OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.



    AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS,

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.



    I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU

    KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GOOUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."



    I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH.



    BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.



    WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS

    EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE

    SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO

    THE OFFICE, DO WE?"







    I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"







    SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."







    AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU

    DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."





    "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.







    SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...





    FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".





    AND I JUST SAT THERE............





    ON THE COUCH.............







    NAKED..............









    One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.

    At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

    Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister ?"

    "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist."









    I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
    Here's what happened:
    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
    his room.

    "He's just lying here looking sick," he told me.
    "I'm serious, Mom. Can you help?

    "I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
    him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
    his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

    "Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute.
    "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
    Dad!"

    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
    we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband.

    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he
    inquired. (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in
    my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
    together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," He
    informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
    on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going
    to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to
    witness the miracle of birth.

    " OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

    Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
    of tin y little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know. (I really
    do think he was being snotty here, too, don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like
    a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "Its breech," my husband whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Mom!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
    when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared.
    tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know.
    "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern
    here with the men in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
    with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Me n
    can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what he does to me is
    one thing, but this boy is of his loins, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
    little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may
    I speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour.
    In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see,
    Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
    maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.

    Just the way he did, lying on his back. "He blushed, glancing at
    my husband. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs Cameron."

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my husband offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
    silence. Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And
    giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded knowing, but not believing that
    the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
    flawless femininity.

    Tears were now running down his face.

    "It's just...that...I'm picturing... you pulling on
    it's...it's...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to bellow in
    laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned.

    We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards
    and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
    be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he told
    me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with
    laughter.

    2 - Lizards - $140...
    1 - Cage - $50...
    Trip to the Vet - $30...
    Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's ****? Priceless!!!









    Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
    Europe in their car.

    They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood
    of the car and hisses through the windshield.

    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
    abomination, "says Sister Helen.

    Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
    clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

    "What shall I do now?" she shouts.


    "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
    the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
    water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

    "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

    "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

    "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

    She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car, ya 'tard!"







    A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
    The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

    The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."





    Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

    Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."









    Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
    despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a
    night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
    Lulu said, 'Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae have s3x
    wi an aulder man.'

    'Let's go back tae mah place.'
    So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean
    says,'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and
    we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls
    in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand.'

    Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says,'Okay.'
    He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex
    than before. Then Sean says, 'Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you
    let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again,
    you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right
    hand.' Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are
    mind blowing.

    Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks 'Sean, tell
    me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah
    right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?'

    Sean replies, 'No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian,
    she shtole my wallet!'





    Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually
    she slept through the class.

    One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if
    she was paying attention in class. She called on her while she was
    napping,

    "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

    When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the
    chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.

    "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
    good," and April fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked April,

    "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir
    from her slumber.

    Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
    "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," And
    April fell back asleep.

    Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve
    say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?"

    And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April
    jumped up and shouted,

    "IF YOU STICK THAT F00KING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL
    BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"







    This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
    So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an

    unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
    which came in a little white box to use for his house.

    He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he

    would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked
    the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and
    have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a
    bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going
    to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from
    his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
    situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face
    up against the centipede's house and shouting,
    "Hey, in there! Would youlike to go to Frank's place And have a drink with me?"

    A little voice came out of the box:...........

    "I heard you the first time!!!! I'm just putting my f**ing shoes on."





    At the National Art Gallery in New York husband and wife were staring at
    an exhibit that had them completely confused.


    The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
    bench.

    Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a
    pink willy. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having
    trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
    emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
    society.

    "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
    willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
    experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

    After the curator left, a Yorkshire man, approached the couple and said,

    Would thee like to know what t'paintings really bout?"

    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
    gallery?" asked the couple.

    "Cos I'm 't chap who painted it," he replied.

    "In fact, there's no African Americans in it at all. They're just three
    Yorkshire coal miners. The lad in 't middle went home for lunch."





    Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson Pop 'N Fresh died yesterday from complications arising from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

    Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack , Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

    The grave side was piled high with flours as a long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes - usually after being conned by someone who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

    Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
    Last edited by Thanks for last 3 yrs..Muffz!!; 01-29-2009 at 01:28 PM.
    sorry dude .... Hash

  2. #2
    ~{Princess}~ www.desirulez.net
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    lol you should have posted each one in its own tread. but thanks for sharing



  3. #3
    Coolbie www.desirulez.net
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    thanks for sharing

  4. #4
    Retired Staff www.desirulez.net
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    i luv this joke:

    Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

    So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.



    Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

    The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

    The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

    The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"?

    She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!






 

 

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