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  1. #1
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    .........................Surprise check........................

    To surprise her husband, an executive's wife dropped by her husband's office to find him with his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...... and in conclusion,gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."




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    Cathy gets outta bed, throws on her robe and slippers, uncovers the parrot cage, pulls up the shades, puts on the coffee, and sits down to read the paper. The phone rings. A man's voice says, "Honey, I just flew in from London. I'll be right over." She puts down the paper, turns off the coffee, closes the windows, , pulls down the shades, covers the parrot, takes off her robes and slippers, and gets back intto bed. The parrot says, "Damn!! That was a very short day."

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    A man saw his neighbour holding onto a restless and agitated dog aska "What r u planning to do wid that?"
    "I m carrying it indoors n putting it in the bathtub."
    "Why wud u wanna do that?"
    "Well u c its my wife. She's one of those women who knows everything. I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again.........she says I kno. I tell her Francis down the street is getting divorced she says I kno that, too. Well tomorow morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming.."there;s a pig in bathroom!!!!! there's a dog in the bathroom!!!" And I'll just turn to her n say..."Yeah, I know."

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    Upon entering the li'l country store, the stranger noticed the sign on the glass door..
    "Danger! Beware of dog!" . Inside he noticed a harmless old hound-dog sleeping on the floor beside the cash register. The stranger cudn't help but be amused.
    "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world wud u post that sign?"
    "Because," the owner replied, "before i posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

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    ........................Why m I tired??.............................

    For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient
    blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies.
    But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because
    I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million.
    104 million are retired.That leaves 133 million to do the work.
    There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do
    the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
    government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.Four million
    are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State
    and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
    There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000
    to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
    And you're sitting there screwing around on the net.

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    An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendents if everyone was buckled in n ready.
    "All set back here, captain," came the reply,"except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

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    At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecutor attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he ballowed, "that u accepted $5000 to compromise this case?".
    The witness stared at the window as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true,that u accepted $5000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness didn't respond. Finally the judge leaned over and said "Sir, plz answer the question.". "Oh!" the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to u."

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    ....................Unbeatable logic......................

    An old woman shot her husband dead.
    She hired the best lawyer who promised to bail her out free.

    "Have sympathy, My Lord," the lawyer pleaded. "After all, my client's a widow."

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    ................Buddy no more..............

    Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

    Soldier: Sure, buddy.

    Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again, soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

    Solider: No, SIR!


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    ..........................Cold cash.........................

    A woman’s husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday.

    She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

    The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer.

    On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

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    ...........................The plug.......................................

    A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    "OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
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    ...............................Tit for Tat...........................

    A man goes to a girl who had been staring at him in a bar and says "Hi! Can I have a chat with u for a while?"
    Girl yells at top of her voice "No. I wont sleep with u tonight!!". By now the entire bar is staring at the guy....he goes back embarassed n sulking to his seat. Few miinutes later, girl comes to him n says politely "I'm sorry if I embarrassed u! U see, I m a grad student in Psychology and I'm studying how ppl respond to embarrassing situations."
    Man responds by yelling at top of his voice, "What?? $200 ?? No way!! That's too much!!"


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    .................................Flying points.................................

    As a publicity campaign, an airline introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

    Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses that poured in asked, “What trip?”

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    ........................Grandma food...................

    Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When the little kid received his plate, he started eating right away. “Wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him. “I don’t have to,” the little boy replied. “Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating in our house.” “That’s at our house,” the kid explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
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    ................Sound practice.............

    The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"
    "Of course, dear. Every single detail."
    "Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

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    ........................Good news.......................

    The doctor took Jagdish into the room and said, "Jagdish, i have some good news and some bad news."
    Jagdish "Give me the good news first."
    Doc "They're going to name a disease after you."


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    ......................Beer Bar...........................

    A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more, he needs to go to the can. he doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink." After a few minutes, he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I."


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    .............................Two Caddies..........................

    "Well, Ted, u are certainly coming up in world. But, what's the idea of playing golf with not ne but two Caddies?"
    "Oh. That was my wife's idea."
    "Your wife's idea?"
    Yeah. She thought I shud spend some more time with the kids."
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    ............................Last choice...............................

    "I’m afraid you only have three weeks to live," the doctor told his patient. The patient replied, "Then I’ll take the last two weeks in "July and the week between Christmas and New Year."

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    .......................Computer trouble......................

    A computer user on the phone to Technical Support: "My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!" Technical Support: "Did you back up?"

    The computer user gets alarmed: "Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"


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    .......................The Detective Friend........................

    A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After about a week of no news, the businessman received a telegram: “The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up yesterday.…”
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    ................................In flight Dangers......................

    On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out of the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

    “I'm sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”



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    ..........................Surprise check........................

    To surprise her husband, an executive's wife dropped by her husband's office to find him with his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...... and in conclusion,gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."


    -------------------


    .........................Life after death......................

    Boss:"Do you believe in life after death?"
    Employee:"Certainly not. There's no proof of it."
    Boss:"Well there is now. After you left yesterday to go to your uuncle's funeral, he came here looking for you."

  2. #2
    dR Contributor www.desirulez.net
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    Oh the last one was suuper funny

 

 

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