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  1. #1
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    Cool Jokes Of All Kind - Updated May 02/08

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    4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a
    hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.

    Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told
    the first daddy:"Congratulations, you've twins!".

    "Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the
    daddy,"as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

    Then another nurse came out of the room and told the
    second daddy:"Congratulations, you've triplets!"

    "Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second
    daddy."I am working for 3M Corporation".

    A while later, another nurse appeared and told the
    third daddy: "Congratulations! your wife got
    quadruplets"

    "Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence"."I
    work at Four Seasons Hotel!".

    Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very
    worried.

    All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so
    worried?".He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at
    Seven-Eleven!"
    Last edited by MIB; 05-03-2008 at 05:18 AM.

  2. #2
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    "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.

    After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
    "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

    He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
    The gentleman replied,
    "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

  4. #4
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    There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport
    terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

    He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

    The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
    He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

    "It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman
    explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's
    brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

    The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

    The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

    The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies,
    "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.

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    Taxi Driver
    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

    For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

    The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

    The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.
    I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

  6. #6
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    Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. "
    Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
    Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    Operator: "Went away?"
    Caller: "They disappeared. "
    Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
    Caller: "Nothing."
    Operator: "Nothing??"
    Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
    Caller: "How do I tell?"
    Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
    Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
    Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
    Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
    Caller: "What's a monitor?"
    Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
    Caller: "I don't know."
    Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
    Caller: "Yes, I think so."
    Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
    Caller: "Yes, it is."
    Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    Caller: "Okay, here it is."
    Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    Caller: "I can't reach."
    Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
    Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
    Operator: "Dark??"
    Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
    Caller: "I can't."
    Operator: "No? Why not??"
    Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
    Operator: "A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
    Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
    Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!! !"

  7. #7
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    A wife decides to take her husband to a club for his birthday.
    They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
    brings over a Budweiser.
    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
    “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
    "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
    Dave,
    and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
    Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

    The cab driver turns his head and says,
    "Looks like you picked up a real BI**H tonight, Dave."

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    A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,

    "Hello, could you give me condom.
    I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

    The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out;he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike itlucky there too."

    The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,
    "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

    During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
    the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
    When the dad gets there,the boy lowers his head and starts praying,

    "Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
    A minute later the boy is still praying;

    "Thank you Lord for your kindness."

    Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

    The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

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    Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her
    tombstone to read :
    BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
    The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

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    TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    MARIA : Here it is!
    TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS : Maria!

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    When Bill Gates Dies

    "Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that infernal Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

    Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

    God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

    "Sure!" said Bill.

    "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, lying in the water, laughing . The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!!

    Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

    To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

    "As you desire," said God.

    Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

    "How ya doing,' Bill?" asked God.

    Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

    "Oh, THAT!" said God.

    "That was the screen saver !

  12. #12
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    Most of dem are hillarious
    thnkx for sharinggg!

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    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

    The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, " Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

    "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

    Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

    "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

    The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game'sover!"

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    TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
    FRANK : Because of the sign.
    TEACHER : What sign?
    FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

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    TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
    didn’t have ten years ago.
    WINNIE : Me!

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    TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
    MILLIE : I is…
    TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”
    MILLIE : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

  17. #17
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    1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
    Stupid Question:-
    Hey, what are you doing here?
    Answer:-
    Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

    2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
    Stupid Question:-
    Sorry, did that hurt?
    Answer:-
    No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

    3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
    Stupid Question:-
    Why, why him, of all people.
    Answer:-
    Why? Would it rather have been you?

    4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
    Stupid Question:-
    Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
    Answer:-
    No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

    5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
    Stupid Question:-
    Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
    Answer:-
    Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

    6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
    Stupid Question:-
    Is the guy you're marrying good?
    Answer:-
    No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

    7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
    Stupid Question:-
    Sorry. were you sleeping?
    Answer:-
    No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

    8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
    Stupid Question:-
    Hey have you had a haircut?
    Answer:-
    No, its autumn and I'm shedding......


    9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
    Stupid Question:-
    Tell me if it hurts?
    Answer:-
    No it wont. It will just bleed.

    10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
    Stupid Question:-
    Oh, so you smoke.
    Answer:-
    Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's

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    A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

    After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,
    "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

    She responds in a loud voice :

    " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU !"

    Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

    The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

    After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes,
    and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and
    I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

    The young man responds loudly with,

    " WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES . THATS TOO MUCH !"

  19. #19
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    There once were four guys.
    One guy was brought up in a hospital and all he knew how to say was "I did it! I did it!"

    Then there was a guy who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was "forks and knives!"

    Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop and all he knew how to say was "goodie goodie gum drops!"

    Then the fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to say was "plug it in! plug it in!"

    One day they all met in a park and there was this dead guy on a bench.


    A cop walks up and says who did this and the first guy said "I did it! I did it!"

    And the cop says how did you do this and the second guy said "forks and knives!"

    The cop says what do you have to say for your selves and the third guy says "goodie goodie gum drops!"

    Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last words and the fourth guy says "plug it in! plug it in!"

  20. #20
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    NEXT TEN JOKES WILL BE TEACHER JOKES

    Teacher: What do you know about the Dead sea?
    Peter: I didn't even know it was sick

    Add some thanks too


    If you are reading this sentence, then you are wasting your time


 

 
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