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Thread: American Jokes

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    American Jokes

    ======= 1 =======

    Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven.
    She meets St. Peter at
    the Gates,

    and notices thousands of clocks.
    "What are all these clocks for?" she asks

    St. Peter. "Each person has one,
    " he replied. "They start at midnight, and

    every time someone tells a lie,
    it moves ahead one minute. This one is

    Mother Teresa's. She never lied,
    so it never moved. This one is George

    Washington's. He told only two,
    so it is at two minutes past midnight."

    Hillary looks around and asks,
    "So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter

    chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office.
    He's using it as a


    ==== 2 =====

    Hilary is not feeling well.
    She goes to her doctor and gets a complete

    physical, only to find out that she is pregnant.
    She is furious and can't

    believe this has happened.
    She calls the White House and gets Bill on the

    phone, and immediately begins to
    berate him, screaming:

    "How could you have

    let this happen? With all of the
    going on right now, you go and get

    me pregnant!!! How could you?!

    I just found out I am pregnant
    it is your fault! How could you??? What

    have you got to say???"

    There is nothing but silence on the
    She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR


    Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely
    audible whisper..."Who is this?"

    ======== 3 =========

    The wives of four presidents
    prime minister are talking together about

    how a ***** is called in their language.
    The wife of Tony Blair says in

    England people call it a gentleman,
    because it stands up when women are


    The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia
    you call it a patriot, because you

    never know if it will hit you on
    the front or on the back side.

    The wife of Chirac says in France
    you call it a curtain, because it goes

    down after the act.

    Well, the wife of Clinton says in
    the USA you call it a rumor, because it

    goes from mouth to mouth

    ======= 4 =========

    Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse
    when Bill invites Monica into the Oval

    office because he wants to show
    her a clock. While in the office

    pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.

    Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton
    not a clock, it's a ****!

    Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2
    hands and a face on it, it's a clock

    ==== 5 ==========

    Jerry Falwell was seated next to
    President Clinton on a recent flight. After

    the plane was airborne, the flight
    attendant came around for drink orders.

    President asked for a whisky
    & soda, which was brought and placed


    The attendant then asked
    minister if he would also like a drink.

    The minister replied in disgust,
    "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a

    brazen *****, than let
    liquor touch these lips!"

    The President then handed his drink
    back to the attendant and said, "I'm

    sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.

    ========= 6 =========

    One Sunday morning, Chelsea
    into the living quarters at the

    House and said, "Mom & Dad,
    I have some great news for you.

    I am getting

    married to the greatest hunk in
    Washington! He lives in Georgetown

    and his

    name is

    After dinner, the President took
    Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with

    you. Your Mother and
    I have been married a long time.

    She's a wonderful wife but
    she's never offered much excitement in the

    bedroom, so I have fooled around
    with other women a lot. Matt is actually

    your half-brother, and I'm afraid
    you can't marry him." Chelsea was

    heartbroken, but after eight months
    she eventually started dating again.

    A year later she came home and
    very proudly announced,

    "Robert asked me to

    marry him! We're getting
    in June." Again, her father insisted on

    another private conversation and
    broke the sad news. "Robert is your

    half-brother too, Honey. I'm
    wfully sorry about this." Chelsea became

    furious upon hearing
    what her Dad had to say.

    She decided to go to her
    Mother and tell her about his numerous

    infidelities. After Chelsea told
    her Mom everything, she concluded crying,

    "Dad has done so much harm.
    I guess I'm never going to get married. Every

    time I fall in love, Dad tells
    me the guy is my half-brother."

    Hillary just shook her head and replied,
    "Don't pay any attention to what he

    says dear. He's not really your father."

    ===== 7 =========

    The history teacher wanted to award
    some of her students with a prize of

    going home early on Friday. So
    she said "anyone that

    answers the following

    questions first with the correct
    answer gets to go home! Little Johnny

    thinks to himself "man I
    really need to go home early".

    The teacher asks who said,
    " Ask not what my country can

    do for me but, what

    can I do for my
    Mary raises her hand first

    and says "John Kennedy.

    The teacher says
    you may go home.

    Next she asks who said,
    "I have a dream";

    Peggy raises her hand and says

    Martin Luther King".
    "Correct" says the teacher

    you may go home.

    "Damn I wish those *****es had
    their mouths shut," says Little Johnny.

    "Who said that?" asks the
    teacher angrily?

    Bill Clinton! "See you Monday,

    Teach" answers Johnny
    going out the door.

    ======= 8 ========

    One morning while his wife was
    making breakfast, a man

    walked up to her and

    gave her a healthy
    pinch on her butt.

    He said to her, "If you firmed up
    your butt we could get rid of your


    The wife was angry but said nothing.
    The next morning her husband pinched

    her breast and said,
    "If you firmed these up we

    could get rid of your bra."

    The wife grabbed her husband's
    ***** and replied, "and if you firmed this up

    we could get rid of the mailman,
    the gardener, the pool man,



    ======= 9 ========

    A woman is in bed with her lover
    who also happens to be her husband's best

    friend. They make love for hours,
    and afterwards, while they're just laying

    there, the phone rings. Since it is
    the woman's house, she picks up the

    receiver. Her lover looks over at her
    and listens, only hearing her side

    the conversation. ..

    (She is speaking in a cheery
    'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you

    called. Really? That's wonderful.
    I am so happy for you. That sounds

    terrific. Great!

    Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'

    She hangs up the telephone and
    her lover asks, 'Who was that?'

    'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband
    telling me all about the wonderful

    time he's having on
    his fishing trip with you.'

    =========== 10 ========

    A woman gets out of the bath and
    puts on a towel.

    Her husband comes into the

    bathroom to go to the toilet.
    The doorbell rings.

    The woman goes to answer

    it wearing only the towel.
    She opens the door

    find her next door neighbor

    Bob standing on the doorstep.
    Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you 200

    if you drop the towel'.
    The woman doesn't want to

    miss out on 200, so she

    drops the towel. Bob takes a good
    look at the naked woman then says his

    goodbyes and leaves. As the woman
    closes the door her husband comes down

    stairs. 'Who was that?' He
    'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he

    give you that 200 that he owes me?'

    ======== 11 ===========

    A man has six children and he is
    very proud of his achievement. He is so

    proud of himself that he starts calling
    his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of

    her objections.

    One night they go to a party.
    The man decides that it's

    time to go home, and

    he wants to find out if his wife is
    ready to leave as well.

    He shouts at the

    top of his voice, "shall we go home,
    Mother of Six?" His wife irritated by

    her husband's lack of discretion,
    shouts back, "anytime

    you're ready, Father

    of Four!"
    ...being a human...



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